You Could Still Be
by WrittenConstellations
Summary: Things should be comfortable for them, here in Tommy's make shift town—but a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat every night doesn't change the fact that Ellie, by all means, should be dead. She still doesn't know what happened back in Salt Lake City, but she has a feeling she really doesn't want to know. She asks anyway.


Ellie should be angry with him. She should be furious, should've told him to fuck off the moment he lied through his teeth, should've punched him right in the god damn jaw for thinking he could get away with something like that.

"_Okay_." comes out instead.

It's been three weeks since then, and she and Joel are on thinner ice than when they first met. And if _that_ isn't the icing on the cake, Ellie really doesn't know what is. Things should be comfortable for them, here in Tommy's make shift town—but a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat every night doesn't change the fact that Ellie, by all means, should be dead. She still doesn't know what happened back in Salt Lake City, but she has a feeling she really doesn't want to know.

She asks anyway.

She's asked him a total of five times in the past weeks to tell her what happened, but he's stubbornly refused each time. He either declines with a simple "You don't need the details, kiddo. Trust me," or manages to change the subject before Ellie can object. It's frustrating as all hell, and Ellie's putting her foot down. They can't possibly survive like this—not when she knows he lied to her.

"We need to talk," she says, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back in her chair. Dinner is really the only time they're around each other anymore, given that Joel seems to be trying his damnedest to stay as far away from her as possible. If there's a time to question him, it's certainly now.

"Ellie," he sighs, already seemingly exasperated, "Do we really gotta do this tonight? You know I gotta get up early tomorrow and—"

"It's been three _weeks_, Joel," Ellie interrupts him immediately, "You've been avoiding this as much as you can, but you and I both know this _really_ isn't working. So you either have to talk, or I'll be going straight to Tommy and Maria tomorrow to get myself moved somewhere else." It's a lie, obviously—one she isn't even sure will _work_—but it's enough to get Joel's attention. He's watching her like he wants to call her bluff, but after a few moments, he sighs softly in defeat. He runs his fingers through his hair, Ellie knowing it well enough to be one of his nervous tics. They sit in silence for a few minutes, before Joel finally speaks again.

"What do you want to know?" he sounds tired, like the conversation itself is aging him more than anything the apocalypse ever threw at him.

"Everything," she replies, "Start from the very beginning."

"….I woke up on a hospital bed," Joel starts, eyes pointed anywhere but Ellie, "Marlene was there. Said you were already prepped for surgery, they had everythin' they needed. It was basically a 'Thanks for the help, but we're done with you now.' Sort of situation."

He snorts, "But it didn't feel right. I had to know what they were doin' to you, Ellie. They had every intention of letting you die for that god damn cure—" his hands curl into fists, his knuckles turning white, "I couldn't—I wasn't—….you were worth so much more than even a handful of those Fireflies, and I wasn't about to let you die for them."

His words at met with silence at first, Ellie's shock apparent on her face. When she speaks again, her voice is quieter than Joel's ever heard it.

"Marlene told me you already left," she smiles weakly, "I kept asking for you, I just had to know you were okay—but she wouldn't stop dodging my questions. She just wanted me to get into surgery as fast as possible, but I told her I wanted to see you one last time."

She exhales, but her voice is shaking, "She told me you were long gone, Joel. Said they'd brought you to the hospital too, but as soon as you knew you were okay you bolted without so much as a goodbye. And god, it just took the fight right out of me." Ellie attempts to laugh, but it comes out more as a sob, "I thought everyone I cared about was either dead or abandoned me. I didn't even care what happened to me then. I went under thinking I'd get to see Riley and Sam and my parents again, but…" he doesn't need her to finish her statement, obviously. He knows exactly what she woke up to, and _god_, does it kill him inside, just to _think_ about the bitter disappointment she must have felt.

Joel is glad he already killed Marlene, he thinks, because if he hadn't, he'd be grabbing his gun and heading for the door right this second. What she'd done was bad enough already, but lying to Ellie like that, just to get her to lay down her life? Joel had done some pretty shitty things in the past twenty years, but even he wouldn't stoop that low. Not for some "cure" that may not even come to be. No, Ellie was worth so much more than that; _deserved_ so much more than that.

"That doesn't change the fact that it was my _choice_, though," Ellie continues on, "You had _no_ right, Joel. Marlene may have _lied_ to me, but so did _you_." She doesn't miss the way he practically growls at the comparison, but she pays him no mind as she speaks, "Look, I don't know why you did what you did—I'm not your daughter, remember? You made that _very_ clear the last time we were here. I'm not Sarah, and if you just saved me as revenge for losing her, I really don't—"

The plate shattering against the wall shuts her up in a second; she's caught off guard, but she's not afraid. No, not of Joel. So she keeps her head high, levels her eyes with his. If he thinks that's enough to end this conversation, he's certainly got another thing coming.

"….You think I saved you…." His voice is dangerously low, his teeth grinding together so hard Ellie can practically hear it, "—Because of _Sarah_?" She doesn't miss the way the pain flashes across his eyes at her name, but it's quickly covered right back up by his anger. It doesn't feel like he's angry with her, though—more or less just at the situation itself. She certainly shares the sentiment.

"You've given me no reason to think otherwise," is her calm response, but her hands are shaking so terribly it gives away just how _scared_ she is. The last thing she wanted to hear was confirmation of what she'd always believed. She was nothing but a burden to Joel, some sort of replacement for his long lost daughter. Ellie deserved to be her own person, didn't she?

"Ellie," he says sharply, "Losin' Sarah was—was the worst thing to ever happen to me, and it killed me in more ways than I can count. But losin' you? That…." He trails off for a moment, the words stuck in his throat, "There were three different ways I saw that day at the hospital endin', you know. First option, I'd let you go. I'd walk right outta that building—and if a clicker didn't get me first, I'd put the barrel of a gun in my mouth myself."

She flinches at that, but Joel isn't quite finished yet, "Option two," he continues on, "I try to rescue you, and they kill me point blank. If I couldn't save you, I didn't mind that so much." His voice is steady, as though he were discussing the weather instead of his possible death. Ellie's entire body is trembling at this point, tears gathering in her eyes.

"Option three," she finishes for him, "You save me, and you kill every Firefly in the damned hospital. You bring me back here, right?" Her statement is met with silence, and it twists her stomach into knots. She doesn't believe it, at first, but Joel's looking at her the same way he did when he lied to her—like she's something worth _protecting_.

"_Find something to fight for_." His words echo in her head, and suddenly everything seems to snap into place. Joel wasn't just her reason for fighting—she was his, too.

"If it had been you…." She starts again, "If it had been you in that operation room, I would have done the same damn thing. And I bet that seems real hypocritical of me, but you understand, don't you….?" Joel snorts at the question, as the answer itself is completely obvious.

"You're sittin' here now, aren't ya, baby girl?" Joel says, but his expression darkens again, "Just….tell me one thing, alright?"

"What?"

"Knowin' what you know now," he says slowly, deliberately, "Would you….would you still sacrifice yourself? Would you still go through with it?" And isn't that just the question? So many people had lied to her, and even more _died_ for her. She had originally thought of her sacrifice as a debt to be paid; an apology to Riley, to Tess, to everyone she loved. What was her life worth, if not for her sacrifice?

But Joel made her feel like she was worth something; like maybe, just maybe, she still had a purpose to be here. Maybe she was made to be something more than a sacrifice.

"No," she says with utter conviction, a small grin appearing on her lips, "Because then there'd be no one around to keep you in line, old man. And we can't have that, now can we?" Joel lets out a startled laugh at that, his expression softening. The tears Ellie has been holding in finally spill over at that, but she can't seem to stop smiling either.

"I'm so sorry, Ellie," he says, his hand hesitantly resting over hers, "And now I've gone and made you cry—I'm sorry, baby girl. I hope you can forgive me eventually." She shakes her head at that, tightly taking his hand in hers.

"I forgive you," Ellie says, "Of course I forgive you. But you have to promise me something, okay?" He nods immediately, not even hesitating for a moment.

"Anything."

"No more lies," she starts, "And you have to promise me—we're in this together till the very end, right? Because we didn't just go through all of this bullshit for you to decide you'd be better off without me, Joel." Her tone is playful, but Joel can tell just how serious she is by how tightly she's holding his hand, as if she's scared he'll run off the second she lets go.

"I promise," he says, because he remembers just how well swearing went the last time, "I promise I won't lie to you anymore, Ellie. And I promise I'm gonna be here as long as you want me." She sighs in relief, before leaning back in her chair again.

"…..Does this mean we're okay again?" she asks softly, looking up at him hopefully, "No more avoiding me?"

"'Course," his lips upturn slightly, "I just….wasn't sure if you wanted to see me or not. So I was givin' you space, if you needed it."

"Not anymore," she shakes her head, "No more space. No more lies. No more of this bullshit. If I'm alive, I'm going to make it count, damn it." She sounds so sure of herself, and Joel can't help but feel the swell of pride in his chest. He may have been a selfish, terrible man—but at least Ellie saw something in him worth living for, and he knew damn well he saw something in her.

"I promise," he repeats again, gently squeezing her hand. The smile she gives him is nearly blinding.

"_Okay._"


End file.
